Hey Prisms! Hope you guys are having a fabulous Labor Day weekend! I've been spending mine mostly lowkey, you know, watching re-runs of Martin while sipping on chai tea and playing Mr. Krab on my new Apple TV. All my girls are out of town and I no longer work on the weekends (woo!!!), so I've been spending a lot of time reflecting.
One of the things I've been thinking about lately is my life through the lenses of my different romantic relationships. Ladies, this post is for you (although there are some guys who can relate as well). Now before I get started, let me preface this by saying I grew up in a two parent household, went to some of the best schools, and have surrounded myself with some pretty successful people, in general. I'm letting you know now that NONE of that meant anything when it came to the relationships I've been in. I've fucked up just as good as the rest of 'em. Each one has had its ups and downs (as usual) but a good thing is that the downs have actually decreased SIGNIFICANTLY as I've gotten older and wiser.
I'm writing today to let you know that it's okay to have something called STANDARDS. As Black women a lot of times we are told to have a set of standards, but then to also accept a certain level of crap, especially if there is a general consensus that he is a "good man". For example, cheating and lying seem to be absolute NO-NOs in relationships and most women (I'm talking about the ones who know their self-worth) would jump ship in a relationship if those issues ever came up. That is pretty standard and across-the-board. However, JUST because your man is coming home every night, being perfectly honest about everything, and isn't cheating on you doesn't really mean that they are "good" men. Did I just blow your minds with that one? Hope. I. Did.
Let me be more clear. Ladies, don't give men kudos, cookies, brownie points, etc. for doing what they are SUPPOSED to do in a relationship. It's very high school of us Queens to applaud the fact that our men don't deceive us. Again, sweetie, he's not supposed to. I understand in this rough world of dating while Black (mainly dating Black men while Black) we usually feel as though there aren't enough quality men to go around (which isn't necessarily true, but I digress). Even in feeling that way, we have to start considering different criteria in order to know if a man is truly worth our time, love, and effort.
As a young, successful Queen in her late-20's who is perfectly eligible to be married and have some beautiful chocolate babies, I expect WAY more from a man now than I did 10 years ago. That's just the natural order of life - when you know better, you do better. So, the biggest thing for me is finding a man who is AT PEACE with himself and LOVES himself enough to be able to share some of that with me. PEACE and LOVE are the keys to happiness, NOT having a relationship. If you have not come to terms with certain aspects of your past or flaws in your character, then you are NOT ready to share yourself with anyone. You would literally be dumping your issues onto them, and that is totally unfair. That one goes for us too, ladies.
As Kings and Queens cross paths and share energies in a relationship, it's important to make sure yours is of complete positivity and you are using your previous experiences to BUILD not to WEDGE. Settle your past, be at peace with your present, and you will love your future together.